Sleep

So here it is 4:45 am and I've been up tonight since 3:45 am before I gave in and decided to attempt writing to release some of my emotions I keep bottled up. "Just write" our grief counselor told me. Doing so means I have to face my thoughts which is a very scary thing for me. However, I have learned I clearly can do hard things!

As long as I can remember I have been a night owl. I never would want to go to bed and possibly miss out on something. I would say 6-8 hours of sleep each night has been more normal for me than probably the 9-10 hours my body wishes I would give it. I swear I used to really enjoy sleep, once I finally got to bed! There are so many factors that influence my sleep quality; temperature in our home, noises from kids waking up, sickness, obsessing with the next day's schedule, kids sneaking in to sleep (kick) next to us, dogs barking and nightmares are the most common examples.

The past 4 months have understandably been the most difficult time I've ever had attempting to sleep.  I wasn't aware of the trials that I would face at night. There is an intense weight I feel at night like never before in my life or at least I've never noticed it as much as I do now. Temptations to give into feelings of guilt and doubt become so hard to avoid perhaps because of the idle time we have once our children are all in bed. I dread that time for fear of being alone with my thoughts that plague me. 

Attempting to take sleeping medication has been something I struggle with as well. The dependency a person can have on them was enough for me to quit using them after a few months. Falling asleep isn't the most difficult part anyways, it's the nightmares I face once I finally do fall asleep that make it impossible to actually sleep. For me, the nightmares are different each night and it seems like I continually am faced with my fears in them. My assumption is that this is my brain trying to process the trauma we have experienced and it is manifested in my sleep or lack thereof. 

My belief is that in the darkness Satan dwells and Christ is the light. I seek the light because of the feelings of warmth, peace and comfort it brings. There is a scripture I love that brings me great comfort in Psalm 30:5 "...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning". So simple but incredibly accurate with my situation. It is no coincidence that during the day I can function better with the light that surrounds me and that at night I battle against the thoughts and feelings that the darkness brings. It is a battle we all face to different degrees and circumstances. The beauty of this is that we are not alone to face our battles. Our Savior is there to comfort and guide us every step of the way. My testimony of that very principal has increased so much because I have no doubt that I could not have made it to where I am today without Him leading the way for me. The hymn "I Need Thee Every Hour" is my anthem I sing frequently throughout the day.

The atonement is such a marvelous gift! I love the quote by Carlfred Broderick "The gospel of Jesus Christ is not an insurance against pain, it is a resource in the event of pain." My perception as a child was if I follow the commandments and do my best to choose the right that I could avoid any pain and difficult trials, but I was wrong that is not how it is. Rather, because I follow Christ WHEN adversity comes I will have His help to guide me through. I know I can make it through this trial with Him by my side and what an amazing blessing that is! 

Here's hoping I can keep this momentum and write more often. For now, I'll just focus on sleep. The morning is only 1 hour away at this point but maybe I'll just watch the sunrise. I can always see a little bit of Natalie in it. 

"How are you?"

It's a common question to ask after saying hello, "How are you?". I always seem to struggle to answer people with honesty. The response I first think to say is "Good! How are you?". Knowing everyone really means well and don't always think when asking me how I am doing but I wonder do they really want to know? Acknowledging how I feel to others is another added reminder of the current state of distress my life is constantly in. So I end up saying something like "okay." or "We are trying our best!". The hidden meaning behind what I respond is much more elaborate. Describing how I feel is so difficult because there are not enough words in any language to be able to express how devastated, sad, distraught, traumatic, frustrating, confusing, lonely and painful the past two months have been without our little precious Natalie.  When amidst this trial that has brought all this difficulty, there has come so many blessings of which we are beyond grateful for too. I suppose the word bittersweet could slightly describe our current state of mind. No doubt there has been an immeasurable amount of prayers, love, tender mercies, cards, flowers, monetary donations, food, and special gifts sent that have uplifted our spirits and provided the much needed comfort we seek. We can't express how grateful we are for that! We are just in complete awe!

We feel so incredibly blessed to go through this with the Comforter, earthly and heavenly angels by our side every step of the way. We cling to the gospel of Jesus Christ and don't know how anyone could go through such a trial without it. I read a saying by Carlfred Broderick that brought great comfort to me "The gospel of Jesus Christ is not an insurance against pain, it is a resource in the event of pain". The stress that comes from holidays or celebrations in general when dealing with grief can be incredibly overwhelming. This was the time of year I loved very most of all because our family took so much time to be together and I cherish those memories. Things have definetly changed now and I struggle to bring joy at a time filled with so much sorrow. The tears start flowing and my heart aches every time the thoughts of how Natalie would have loved making gingerbread houses, decorating the Christmas tree as a family, looking at all the Christmas lights as we drive, writing a wish list to Santa, sitting on Santa's lap, riding the Polar Express train in Heber, playing in the snow, opening presents, watching the nativity, smiling in family pictures, Christmas pajamas, brunch on Christmas morning, wearing matching Christmas dresses and spending so much time with our families. "She is still with you though. You'll see her again one day." People tell me these things and I can't help but feel like shouting "I JUST WANT HER!". We miss her every second and hour of every day! Each morning we wake up we are reminded this nightmare we are living in is a reality. Life will never be the same without her nor should it be because she was special and meant so much to us.

In my patriarchal blessing it says I need to study everything I can about the atonement which I didn't really understand until after the accident.  To me I looked at the atonement more in relation to repentance. In studying this incredibly broad subject of the atonement, I'm realizing how much it is also about the suffering and empathy Christ has for me. He knows exactly what our family is feeling and does not leave us alone in this pain. We feel of His love and understanding each day. The song I Need Thee Every Hour is my anthem and I sing it out loud often (my terrible singing voice and all). It does help to sing and music has taken on a whole new meaning for our family. Music is just so powerful and helps to strengthen us so much! It can bring all kinds of emotions out good and bad so I am very choosy what I allow around me and my family. I can't believe how sensitive I am to it now. Really everything is very different and I'm still learning how to do this so called new "normal".

When Natalie left us she didn't take with her any of the clothes, toys or gifts we gave her. She didn't take her special blanket ("Blanken") sippy cups or dress-ups. The memories, education and knowledge of the gospel is all she took. Realizing this was such an eye-opener and has made me see how petty all the little things are. Shopping used to be a fun relaxing thing I really enjoyed. My focus is now on how things I purchase will enrich my family's lives in an eternal way or create priceless memories. Oddly enough I started buying and preparing this way back in September although I clearly had no idea why I had that prompting to do tso butI am glad I listened. We had a whole family home evening that was themed around what the meaning and feeling we wanted to have at Christmas to show Christ of our love. The kids were all on board for this and Chad supported me as long as I didn't make it so sparse that it would make the kids not enjoy Christmas still.

My hope is that anyone who reads this will not take for granted the blessing of family and realize how precious every day is. Cherish your loved ones and show them you love them by actions this Christmas not gifts. Look for ways to serve for through service you feel the pure love of Christ. Merry Christmas!

It's at least a start

So here I am. It's 10:30 pm and I get an idea to log back in here to post after 3 years of not. Upon viewing the last post I did back in 2011, I saw a pending post titled "HUGE UPDATE". I remember as I sat at the computer a few years ago trying to write what had happened over the past few weeks and feeling like it was a waste of my time. We just had welcomed our sweet baby Natalie and celebrated Emma's birthday and Christmas. Tonight I sat here scrolling through the dozens of pictures I had not finished updating. The memories of what happened in those pictures to the ones I currently have is difficult to think about. I couldn't bring myself to edit that post at all and finish what I set out to do back then. Instead, I posted it tonight 3 years later, incomplete (that's how I feel, incomplete but that's an entirely different post or two or several I could write on that). My current plans are not to fill in our journey of the past chronologically like I used to. This blog's purpose was to fill in our friends and family on what we were doing in a more descriptive way.  Recently we have been seeing a grief counselor who suggested writing as therapy for us. Because of that advice she gave us I am here writing again.  This is a very scary task for me to think about let alone actually do. I mean writing things down make them real! The fear for me is so intense I make myself sick thinking about what I should write. I can't bring myself to include pictures yet either. My posts may seem very boring and simple but I am just making baby steps and that's all I can do for now.