Describing me as a perfectionist OCD control freak would be fairly close to accurate. I enjoy stability and daily life to be predictable. I am a creature of habit. When life goes as planned I feel calm and controlled. Having those expectations all of the time are unrealistic but it doesn't stop me from seeking that feeling of safety. The vision I see in my mind of how events in my life will take place are never the same as I dream them up to be. Typically I always see room for improvement in everything I do. My goal is always to do better than my best.
The past 4 months has thrown our once stable lives into a blender and mixed everything up to be something completely unrecognizable to what it used to be. Understandable considering our circumstances but it's incredibly frustrating and scary to try to rebuild our lives in this "new normal" stage. The fear of the unknown in what lays ahead in our future can be very debilitating to think about at times.
If there is anything I have learned it is we truly have very little control over our lives. Sure you choose what to eat and what clothes to wear but things of greater importance are out of our hands. I do believe we have a say to some degree in how things in our lives will go. This is where prayer becomes essential. Heavenly Father hears every prayer and takes them into account. A bishop once counseled me to be careful when you pray because you just might get what you ask for and it may be contrary to His will. Sometimes I wonder if we had been given the time to gather people together in prayer if it would have changed Natalie's outcome.
Where we live there has been some families who have recently had to experience another very difficult trial. Though our situations are different they are both extremes in different directions where our sweet daughter was taken from us and is now in heaven, their children are still here on earth with them but are severely handicapped. The longing and missing we feel for Natalie is constantly with us and will never go away but for these other families they have to endure the pain of watching their child suffer.
It's embarrassing to admit but I used to struggle with wishing we still had our daughter here like these other families do. What I didn't realize is I couldn't handle watching Natalie go through the challenges their children are experiencing. I feel a small comfort knowing that Natalie didn't suffer and is free from a life that would have left her severely handicapped as well had she survived. Natalie was lovely and I wouldn't want her to live a life that would have left her being anything other than that.
Heavenly Father knows our hearts and knows what is best for us. Even though we don't understand why things happen in our lives, if we have faith and trust in the Lord we will always make it through. That is truly the reason our family is able to function. He holds us and carries us every second of every day and places angels in our lives at just the right times. We will endure this trial because there is nothing that will stop us from being with our sweet girl again.