Sleep

So here it is 4:45 am and I've been up tonight since 3:45 am before I gave in and decided to attempt writing to release some of my emotions I keep bottled up. "Just write" our grief counselor told me. Doing so means I have to face my thoughts which is a very scary thing for me. However, I have learned I clearly can do hard things!

As long as I can remember I have been a night owl. I never would want to go to bed and possibly miss out on something. I would say 6-8 hours of sleep each night has been more normal for me than probably the 9-10 hours my body wishes I would give it. I swear I used to really enjoy sleep, once I finally got to bed! There are so many factors that influence my sleep quality; temperature in our home, noises from kids waking up, sickness, obsessing with the next day's schedule, kids sneaking in to sleep (kick) next to us, dogs barking and nightmares are the most common examples.

The past 4 months have understandably been the most difficult time I've ever had attempting to sleep.  I wasn't aware of the trials that I would face at night. There is an intense weight I feel at night like never before in my life or at least I've never noticed it as much as I do now. Temptations to give into feelings of guilt and doubt become so hard to avoid perhaps because of the idle time we have once our children are all in bed. I dread that time for fear of being alone with my thoughts that plague me. 

Attempting to take sleeping medication has been something I struggle with as well. The dependency a person can have on them was enough for me to quit using them after a few months. Falling asleep isn't the most difficult part anyways, it's the nightmares I face once I finally do fall asleep that make it impossible to actually sleep. For me, the nightmares are different each night and it seems like I continually am faced with my fears in them. My assumption is that this is my brain trying to process the trauma we have experienced and it is manifested in my sleep or lack thereof. 

My belief is that in the darkness Satan dwells and Christ is the light. I seek the light because of the feelings of warmth, peace and comfort it brings. There is a scripture I love that brings me great comfort in Psalm 30:5 "...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning". So simple but incredibly accurate with my situation. It is no coincidence that during the day I can function better with the light that surrounds me and that at night I battle against the thoughts and feelings that the darkness brings. It is a battle we all face to different degrees and circumstances. The beauty of this is that we are not alone to face our battles. Our Savior is there to comfort and guide us every step of the way. My testimony of that very principal has increased so much because I have no doubt that I could not have made it to where I am today without Him leading the way for me. The hymn "I Need Thee Every Hour" is my anthem I sing frequently throughout the day.

The atonement is such a marvelous gift! I love the quote by Carlfred Broderick "The gospel of Jesus Christ is not an insurance against pain, it is a resource in the event of pain." My perception as a child was if I follow the commandments and do my best to choose the right that I could avoid any pain and difficult trials, but I was wrong that is not how it is. Rather, because I follow Christ WHEN adversity comes I will have His help to guide me through. I know I can make it through this trial with Him by my side and what an amazing blessing that is! 

Here's hoping I can keep this momentum and write more often. For now, I'll just focus on sleep. The morning is only 1 hour away at this point but maybe I'll just watch the sunrise. I can always see a little bit of Natalie in it.